Repatriation – One Year On

Most trailing spouses suffer from an identity crisis when they first move overseas.  But for me the crisis came when I repatriated.

At the time we left Canada to move to Azerbaijan 15 years ago, I was happy to toss away my old identity.  I had a career which occupied me 50 hours a week, my son was always last to be picked up from daycare and I had a house and large garden to look after.  With a husband who travelled 50% of the time I used to joke that I was a single mom without dating privileges.  Giving up all that stress and hard work to stay home and bake cookies was bliss.  I spent 10 years catching up on my sleep deficit alone!  Finally I had time to spend time with girlfriends – other trailing spouses – indulge in hobbies and see new and exciting places.  What wasn’t to like about my new identity as a trailing spouse?

But my lack of a career did eventually start to gnaw away at me.  It bothered me that I had no answer to the question on forms which asked for “occupation.”  When my son left for university I found some part-time work and then a full-time job supporting other expatriate women.  I was confident, happy and knew exactly, who I was.  And then came repatriation.

Suddenly I wasn’t an expat anymore.  I wasn’t even a trailing spouse.  I had no job.  I was invisible.  I didn’t know who I was anymore.  It was intensely frustrating, humiliating even that a 14 hour plane ride could erase my identity so completely.  I threw myself into job-hunting and  took a job I knew was wrong for me from the get-go, thinking it would help me find my feet.  But if anything it made things worse and took my self-esteem to a new low.  The urge to stay home and curl up in a corner with a blanket over my head was overwhelming.

Only now, more than a year after returning home, can I say I’m gradually putting my life back together again.  Through volunteering, finding a new job and finally, finally getting out and meeting people, I’m starting to discover a new “me.”

I’d like to offer some sage advice on how to get through it, but to be honest, despite having read a lot on the subject, for me it’s all been trial and error.  The main cure for re-entry shock, in my opinion, is TIME coupled with a lot of introspection. If you’re still struggling, hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Finding a Place to Live

Finding a place to live is always at the top of the agenda when you move to a new location.  Through my own experiences as an expat and now working a destination consultant I know it can cause a lot of stress and anxiety.  That rootless in-between limbo when you’re living out of suitcases in a hotel or temporary apartment is not much fun, but before you make a hasty decision, consider. . .

Budget

What can you afford?  If you’re being transferred for work it’s essential that you research accommodation costs before you accept the new job offer.  If your employer is offering to provide accommodation, find out exactly what’s being offered and where.

Flexibility

Don’t get fixated on reproducing your last home in the new location.  If you’re moving from a small community to a bustling metropolis, or from a modern city to an ancient one, it’s highly unlikely you’ll find the same type of home or neighbourhood.  So keep an open mind, try a new lifestyle, you might surprise yourself and enjoy it.

Where does everybody else live?

I’m not suggesting you try and keep up with the Jones or live in an expat ghetto, but do check out where other people in your company or others in similar expat jobs are living.  They may have a lot of useful information and experiences to share with you and may help you avoid costly mistakes.

Travel time

No one likes a long commute to work or school.  We always said, “Where’s the office?” “Where’s school?” and then tried to find accommodation as close a possible to both.  Why spend time in traffic when there are so many more interesting ways to spend your free time, exploring your new location and making friends?

Rent, don’t buy

If you do make a mistake and don’t like where you live, it’s usually much easier and less costly to move if you’re renting.  Some corporate transferees are encouraged to sell their homes and buy in the new location, but consider investing your money and taking your time to make such an important decision.  What would happen if your job came to an end; could you legally stay without work?  Rent for the first few months, or even the first year, if you can.